Is anyone there? I need your help.
But before you can help me, you’ll need to know something.
One of my deepest darkest secrets that you will have to torture me over is that I have a novel in progress.
I was going to have my assistant write an extremely articulate essay about how the novel was an accurate portrayal of what life is and shit like that. It was quite possibly going to be the most impossible-to-decipher naval-gazing ever possible, quite possibly made to turn away unsophisticated stupid people away from the novel, and most critics.
In fact, most people. I don’t want people who think, “oh my god, I have to read this really boring-ass essay before I get to the actual book” to read my book.
However Loraine has fallen on hard times - NOT SWINE FLU RELATED OH NO LOL - and may be quite the dead person in a few, so I’m here to ask YOU to write it.
If you can help write, and especially if you are an English major, and have background knowledge that encompasses most intellectual movements in the last 200 years and can somehow relate it to my novel please email me the essay and then I will give you money.
I'll give you more money if you can include both the masculist and feminist movement, just to make sure I don’t offend either the boys and girls.
Here’s a quick plot summary and a picture of the novel cover and some reviews - HarperCollins is going to kill me for revealing this before they agreed to publish the book, but I’m rebellious like that - to help fuel that world-changing essay.
Plot Summary:
Sekar Pryors is a priest in the church of Terminus in Thebes, Washington. He is also having a bad week. Not only has he lost his memory only to quickly regain it, but those scientists next door keep bothering him, always trying to disprove Terminus and always making scientific discoveries. And to make things worse, that Sendra character keeps driving him bonkers with his adultery. And to top that, that albino hypochondriac Tidal kid who ran away keeps telling him that the both of them are the Chosen Two. And his best friend Judas has been plotting something treacherous.
Things go from bad to worse when the scientists accidentally create a rift through time and space, and create a gateway to another resourcefilled, bountiful land in the basement of the Terminus church. Soon, an all-out war begins between the priests and scientists, and the only two people who stand in the balance don’t know what to do…or even what to have for breakfast! (Hint: Maybe pancakes.)
REVIEWS:
YOU: “This or Watching House?”
NEW YORK TIMES: “The Cover makes it look interesting…”
WASHINGTON POST: “This book has the most…I’ve ever seen.”
IGN.COM: “So I read ‘The Theban Epic’ this weekend…”
COVER:
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