the one where twenty-first century sexual mores dizzy me

I don't understand why people find one-on-one relationships confining. There's this idea that people have the freedom to have casual sex -- under the partner's permission -- with others, and I feel like it’s been gaining momentum in the past few years. It’s also the reason why I have bitten off most of my skin on my fingers.

I'm in a terrible place when I think about it, because there's a good chance that someone I will be in an imitate relationship with someone who's going to want more. First off, even if they cared enough about me that they don’t pursue that someone else to be with once they knew I wasn’t okay with it, it’d still be awkward, since I’d feel like I was holding the person back.

I don’t want to make anyone unhappy.

In the case where we hypothetically agree to date or just have sex with other people, I’d:

a) try to keep up by having an equal amount of sexual encounters to try to combat my feelings of inadequacy. (bad idea)

But the thing is that I find so few people attractive and in those occasions when I find someone that I like, they wouldn’t like me back. And I’m not a player. (I don't try hard enough/don't truly care for the sex/don't have the skills/think too much/not properly equipped/don’t know the rules/don’t have enough confidence/something wrong with me that I can’t see even though I’ve been doing EVERYTHING in my power to be much more socially presentable for you stupid motorbikefuckers why do I think satisfying you will make me happy/etc)

So after feeling like a loser for hitting on a disinterested girl at a party or something, I’d go back to my dorm, and lie in bed, wondering where my girlfriend would be, and worrying that she probably found someone to take home for the night (since it ALWAYS happens with other people).

Rinse. Repeat once a week. Have an emotional break down when I’d find out that she was successful.

or

b) just end it without a confrontation, instead of talking it over.

The sad part is that I’d feel okay with it if I was like other people. That I have a fluid mind, freshly caught in the moment, where I can just pick up someone very casually, or not care if nothing happened. But I’m too cautious, too worried, and too much in my head.

I really wish that I could just do what these people do, but I can’t.

And then I think: am I really following an outdated mode of dating? Is there anything wrong with me for wanting a person’s intimacy all for myself? And it’s just another person; I have more important things to do with my free time, like save the world or save hamsters from being eaten by their moms. Or you know, doing my homework and studying and writing and everything I want to. But I make this stupid chip off my shoulder and I carry it around.

I wouldn’t be having this problem if the people I truly see myself being something with are so scarce, and walk in and out of my life like the wind skirting off curtains beside the beach window.

Some people say that it is freedom to have casual sex with people while still being in relationships, but I’d find myself running out of options, and too shackled by my jealousy and loneliness.

I can’t make sense of this…help?